It covers the issue.
Our proprietary adhesive places a physical barrier between your minor problem and the outside world. An approach with considerable precedent.
+ THE INTELIMEND PERSONAL WELLNESS SYSTEM
A little patch.
A great deal
of oversight.
Meet the intelligent bandage that turns your body’s smallest inconvenience into an ongoing subscription.
EXTERNAL USE ONLY. INTERNAL PEACE SOLD SEPARATELY.
Because you deserve to feel a lot more like you do now than you used too, also.
EXHIBIT 001PATENT EMOTIONALLY PENDING
THE INTELIMEND PATCH™Shown at approximately actual ambition.
NOW WITH
MORE
TECHNOLOGY
MORE
TECHNOLOGY
DEVELOPED WITH CONFIDENCE.REVIEWED BY A FATHER.TESTED IN A GROUP CHAT.EST. THIS CONVERSATION.
01 / A MODEST BREAKTHROUGH
Your body has been operating
without a dashboard.
We found this concerning.
For generations, people have healed quietly, in their own time, without generating a single actionable insight. We believe they deserve more administration.
It adds intelligence.
A small circuit board lets everyone know this is no longer just a bandage. There is a port. There are implications.
It keeps you informed.
Receive a steady stream of insights about a situation you previously would have forgotten about by Tuesday.
02 / THE OBSERVATION ROOM
Finally. A number
for how you are.
Experience our proprietary Wellbeing Readiness Index™. All the reassurance of a medical instrument, with none of the medical instrument.
SIMULATED DEMONSTRATION · NO HEALTH DATA COLLECTED
INTELIMEND / PERSONAL TELEMETRYDEMO MODE
87/100
WELLBEING READINESS
Promising. Room for a subscription.
Awaiting a meaningful click.
03 / SELECT YOUR LEVEL OF REASSURANCE
Care, at a price
you can rationalize.
One small patch for you.
One recurring revenue stream for us.
Covered.
$9 / patch
For people who still believe a bandage should be a bandage.
- One adhesive experience
- Unquantified peace of mind
- Access to your own intuition
Observed.
$29 / month
For the individual who would like their body to have a manager.
- Everything in Covered
- A score that changes occasionally
- Notifications about the score
- A monthly PDF of your month
Involved.
$79 / month
Because caring and knowing everyone’s business can feel similar.
- Everything in Observed
- Loved One Awareness™*
- A family meeting agenda
- Priority access to disclaimers
CONCEPT PRICING. NO PRODUCTS FOR SALE. NO PAYMENTS TAKEN.
*Loved One Awareness™ currently consists of asking them where they are. Consent required. Actual tracking unavailable.
NEW FROM THE INTELIMEND LAB
Introducing Intelipatch™.
The patch that judges your choices.
For the customer who found Intelimend too supportive. Intelipatch™ doesn’t just monitor how you are. It has thoughts about how you got here.
Incident Recall™.
Every scrape is logged with the decision that preceded it. The patch will bring it up again. Usually at dinner.
The amber light.
A small, steady glow of disappointment. Not angry. Just noticing. Visible from across most rooms.
The Weekly Choices Digest™.
A tasteful summary of your week, forwarded automatically to the family group chat for comment.
INTELIPATCH™ / LIVE ASSESSMENT
The patch is reviewing your recent decisions.
A FICTIONAL PRODUCT FROM A FICTIONAL COMPANY. INTELIPATCH™ DOES NOT EXIST, JUDGE, OR FORWARD ANYTHING. ALSO AVAILABLE AT INTELIPATCH.COM.
i.THE FOUNDER’S OFFICE
A NOTE FROM THE ORIGIN OF THE IDEA
“Is the world ready for it?
I think there’d need to be
some disclaimers.”
Dad
FOUNDER. VISIONARY. OWNER OF THE DOMAIN.
Every great company begins with a problem.
Ours began with a text message.
04 / THE ADMISSIONS DESK
Let’s establish whether
you’re patch material.
Our screening process is selective in the sense that there are questions.
05 / THE DEPARTMENT OF QUALIFICATIONS
Dad was right.
There are disclaimers.
Please enjoy these at their actual size.
Is any of this real?
The website is real. The company, product, research, prices, and wellness scores are satire. Intelimend is a fictional smart-bandage concept born in a family group chat. Nothing is available to buy.
Is this a medical device?
No. This is not a medical product, diagnosis, treatment, or health recommendation. The demonstration generates fictional results from your selected joke. Your actual body remains outside our area of expertise.
What about tracking kids or partners?
We took that suggestion to the Department of Boundaries. They recommended a conversation. This website does not track anyone’s location, offer surveillance, or collect health information.
Where are the clinical studies?
There was a group chat. The response was encouraging. We have elected not to confuse this with a clinical study.
Does it need charging?
The photograph includes a USB-C port, which raised several excellent questions during development. We have commissioned a smaller committee.